Day 49

BLOG OVER.

I got the call this morning at 10AM. You're late, said the boss. I'm on my way! Don't bother. We'll mail you your check.

Last week I was running really late because I felt sick, and he gave me the same call. I rolled in at noon and convinced him to keep me on the job some more. I'm not going to beg for this job anymore.
The pretense is my tardiness, but I can guarantee that my young coworkers are not there either.
His company is a bit stressed financially, and cutting me from the budget makes a easy stress reliever. I'm an easy target being the new designer #2. I guess I could've expected a strange ending to this job considering its weird beginning. I was hired sight unseen, no interview, and regrettably no contract.
I yelled expletives when I hung up the phone. But I think this is going to be a change for the better. I've learned a lot that doesn't have anything to do with design in the past 50 days. I never really thought of myself as an asset to be invested in. I've never met such a senseless but ruthless businessman as my boss. To clarify, I'm not whining that my termination was senseless, his other decisions informed me of that opinion.
Now I can devote 100% of my time to finding a new and hopefully very different job. The wages I've earned so far can sustain me poorly for about six months. If I can't find a job by then, I don't deserve to be living here.

Day 34

To begin on a personal note: I just farted at the exact moment that a police cruiser bleeped a warning klaxon. There's an idea for a short film somewhere in there.

It's been a month and a few days. I know I'm inclined toward impatience and inability to settle but I have decided this job is not for me. I'm searching for new employ at the lazy pace of the well-enough paid. The blog will continue until my last day of the pornternship. Granted I am learning some valuable techniques both on the screen and off. I think the value of communication is one I'll have to work on in the future.
In a previous post I mentioned that my trial versions of Adobe CS3 would expire soon. They have done so. My message to the bossman regarding this situation was handled by deferring to our in-house pirated software guy. I said I don't need pirated software, the real thing would be best. Yeah, replied the software guy, but that's like 2000 dollars. I feel like the entire company is acting like a teenager whose parents are on vacation.

Day 29

My coworkers managed to corrupt another word that I thought had only one meaning. Spiderman turns out to be so much more than courageous rescues and doing whatever a spider can. Click with discretion, you'll never see Peter Parker the same way again.

Well I've been at this for about a month now, (I know because the trial version of CS3 I've been using will expire soon) and as weeks melt away I wonder what I can bring to my next job interview. Do you think by three to five years experience, they mean six months to a year experience with not much learned? I guess I'll answer that in six months to a year.

Day 20

If anyone out there needs to enhance their erection, or even increase the payload of their ejaculate, I know the guy for you. One of our salesmen is a very hardworking entrepreneur. I hope the meaning of hardworking wasn't lost on anyone. Because he's there if anything is in need of a quick stiffening. He sells the pills that you can buy from the spam folder of your email. You know, for kids!
I think I've completely acclimated to the sex Sex SERX environment. It used to be annoying and uncomfortable to hear the Amber Rade noises blaring from computer speakers. Now the only thing that's annoying and uncomfortable is how little guidance I'm getting. I must be spoiled from university, but I wish I had a design authority in house. Of course that would negate my purpose there, but I'll be the first to admit I have a lot to learn. The best I can do is explore my technical boundaries without guidance. Slowly, in the dark. I cannot complain about getting paid for that.

Day 14

Oh hey, how's it going? Not too bad, just editing porn for internet consumption. The company acquired several terabytes* of video content on DVDs. This week I have edited down 3 discs. That's like less than a percent of the total. It's very easy to click and drag and type file names. It is difficult to look at some of the (ahem) actors without shuddering. Considering the industry is entirely about appearance, it's surprising to see some of the train wrecks in these videos. Presenting Kara Aine! Recently powdered up from detox in a walk-in clinic in Baltimore.
The worst is seeing the pornstars that very closely resemble people I know. Don't worry it's not you. I checked. When you make that face your cheeks don't go that high, and you don't have someone's asscheeks right next to your head.

*spell check suggests presbyterian. is it terrabyte or terabyte? I don't know and neither does the computer.

Day 12

Editing hours and hours of porno footage is much more painful than you'd think.

Day10

Two weeks down 102 to go. If I last a full year like I planned. But plans are for suckas, and they don't pay me to suck. The people who get paid to suck make way more money (hopefully) than me.
I visited a dream design space as part of a motion graphics festival here in Chicago. It has all the equipment that inhabit computer artists' wet dreams. It motivated me to keep sniffing everywhere. If I could get a job in an environment as cool and non-pornographic as that I'd drop my super paying job like a bad habit. Perhaps the only thing that doesn't compare in a world class motion graphics production house to a porno peddling house is the anecdotes. I wouldn't need a blog for a plain ole' diseno grafico job. That would be boring.
I keep a blog so that I can document insanities like the story of my coworker's first pink-eye (eye irritation caused by semen, for the uninitiated). He was receiving his first BJ, a young teen inexperienced and besides it was dark. He pulled out at the moment of truth and (allegedly) got a shot of truth in his own eye. I don't even consider if any of the stories I hear at work are legit anymore because I know they aren't. But when was the last time you heard an entertaining and true story?

Day 9

It is slowly sinking in how lucrative this job could be. Three months ago when I felt I had no promise of employment before 2008's arrival, I was responding to Craigslist job postings with "I'll work for free, I just need some experience". I realize now how short lived that plan would end up being. My current bossman was one of the very few respondents to my job inquiries. He didn't get in touch to tell me I have a great portfolio, but I'm not what they need right now. He didn't even setup an interview for a later date. He just said get the fuck down to Chicago so you can start working here. About a month and a half later I did, and didn't even think about the pay until the middle of the afternoon today.
We closed with two clients who together invested over 75k in our product today. The team seemed happy but not very surprised. I'm surprised. They could've spent that much money doing a lot more damage/good than our product. I'm trying to take everything in stride, but spilling Roman orgy quantities of cash for porn investing just blows my mind. Dude, whatever Nero.

Day 8

Any Simpsons fans remember Hank Scorpio? My boss is similar to him. Very charismatic and accommodating, but with a conspicuous darker side. Hank is an international supervillain, my boss aspires to rule the porn industry. I'm struggling to give a damn about being the best. It can't really be about money for me since I'm making a few times more than I'm accustomed. And I don't consider being the best at porn to be very prestigious. But it doesn't matter as long as I put in my hours and do good work. As the porntern I'm not required to display any approval or care for the path the company is taking. That's kinda liberating.
I bought some sound isolating earphones just now. Because the salesmen work ten feet behind me. Bless their hearts they're all nice guys, but I don't want to hear the pitch 20 times a day as much as the victims they're calling. Then I should be stupidly comfortable: aeron(esque) chair, view of Chicago's Industrial Corridor, sound isolation, and handsome soft/hardware to play with all day long.

Day 6

I think I was actually working for more than 30% of the time today. Not bad!
My previous internship was in a similar design environment. I remember a full time employee chastising another intern for working extra hard on Mondays.
"Now what are you going to do for the rest of the week?" I'm slowly accepting this as standard operating procedure. Rather than slam out some ideas or rough drafts, we tend to chisel away at projects with much puttering between. I'm operating with the hope that my work ethic can jive with the rest of the team's soon.
In the right light even this mega inspiring article on Braun's legacy of design feels pretty depressing. I struggled to match my pornternship with the lofty bulleted design ideals therein. The best I could figger was that porn helps us understand the product of simulated sex.
Bah, maybe I'm just cranky since the vernal weather skipped town this week.

Day 5

I think I'm getting the rhythm of this job. It goes unghh-unh-uh-uh-uuuunh. The ambient noise in a lot of offices includes phones, typing, water cooler gurgling, meetings, etc. I've got all that and the bonus groanus example above. If you saw the word bone in bonus back there you might be on the same track as much of my workplace banter.
Within my first week I'm still receiving reminders that this is indeed a place of pron. And I'm continually surprised. By most accounts the place appears to be any other office with titty posters on the walls. But as a designer who considers the web to be the most transient medium ever, I'm dumbfounded by the irony that such a lucrative business makes websites that look so cheap. I do not blame my coworkers' skill or method, but that everybody feels compelled to produce sleaze with sleazy standards. I guess that's what porn deserves, but wouldn't it be weird and refreshing to see BlackCockAttack.com if it were designed by these folks? Please visit BlackCockAttack.com with discretion as I just thought of it from the top of my head and can't vouch for its content. But I can take a wild guess.

Day 2

Still slow. The boss is at some conference in Vegas (where else?) and the remaining staff doesn't include an administrator. That left the half dozen 20something designers to meddle aimlessly all day. At least I was aimless. It might take a while for me to assimilate into their routine.
Had a mild tiff with another intern. I am hyperactive. He. is. slow. I don't like to see a blank screen. He'll get that file to me. In an hour and a half. I uncharacteristically confronted his slowedness. Why are you doing that? I basically asked. We could've done that three times faster if you didn't do all this other crap. I later realized how nutty I was. Stepping back, I don't really care if we host a site today or tomorrow, and I bet the end users won't either. And I'm throwing my weight around on my second day? Who'm I trying to fool. At least he was cool about it.

No hard feelings, and I'm glad I got that out of my system so early. And while the boss was out.

Day 1

Nothing too wild. I pretty much did what one usually does on the first day. Awkwardly arrive first, and putter around until somebody gives me directions. So far the plus is a very shiny 24" iMac, health & dental, direct deposit, and very funny (and telling) policies. An excerpt:

Drinking Policy
Drinking while at the office is unacceptable for the first seven hours of the workday. After seven hours employees are free to drink as much as they want.
We encourage employees to abstain from drinking and driving. Also, be careful going down the stairs. our insurance coverage ends at the door.

Not lying. I'll even show it too you. Swear.

Day 0

It's 1:12AM so it's technically day one, but I'll be asleep between now and the time I spend at work so I'm calling it day 0. For the uninitiated, I'm a fresh graduate from a design school and am starting my first real job as a web design intern in Chicago for an internet porn scheme. I don't really understand how such a business model can exist with so much free competition, but as long as they can afford to pay me, I don't care. I figure this should be an interesting experience so I'm casting my maiden pitches into the blogosphere about it. I never had a blog before, but I figure I should document this, at least for posterity's sake.

I'm a little anxious to start tomorrow. I continually have self doubting anxiety attacks gentle nudges. Am I really qualified to be paid so well? Can I do everything they expect me to? Is something incredibly weird going to happen? We'll all find out and see the evidence here.